The wisdom of the Drivel List (1)

Many thanks to Andy Osborne for this gem.

Just caught the 8 o'clock news as I was parking the car. There was a report that a Home Office Inspection has determined that Pentonville Prison is full of vermin. Isn't that the idea of a prison? Lock all the scum up to keep them off the streets and away from us law-abiding citizens?

Getting your own back

As part of his web stats Percy (the nice chap who set up this blog for me) can see what people have searched for on google, and other search engines, before ending up at this blog. So far people have arrived here after searching for:

kevin hazelwood
maltase cross
fun with potassium
how are mobile phones are being misused nowadays
fun with chemistry sets explosive
.iwd viewer
admiral poindexter children
blowjob etymology
football programme collector blog
god is on our side
gypsies: scum of the earth
iwd nation
job well done in french
mohamed ben said - autobiography - abu dhabi
blowjob etymology
do muslims perform blowjobs
wayne rooney abu dhabi
fun with chemistry (four times)
god is on our side
polish mates
polenotes
suspended ceiling tiles
telephone number for iwd airport
weird customs
sharapova brat scream

I wonder - did they name an airport after me before or after I started the blog?

Is it not amazing what people are looking for? 'Blowjobs' seem pretty popular but, amazingly, nothing like as popular as 'fun with chemistry'. 'Polenotes'? Now why is anyone searching for that? I thought I invented the word. And 'sharapova brat scream'?

It seems to me that in support of my vast enquiring public I should try to ensure no one searching the web for these popular topics is ever disappointed. I shall, therefore, try to generate a few learned articles. I've little idea yet what I'm going to say about mohamed ben said - autobiography - abu dhabi, but we shall see.

First off, an easy one - 'suspended ceiling tiles'. Some months ago an unpleasant odour was detected in one of the classrooms at our local comprehensive school. It gradually became worse, and worse, until the kids were sitting in class with the windows wide open, freezing to death. It was initially suspected an animal had died under the floor and much disruption was expected when parts of the floor were lifted to investigate. Luckily, however, before this happened someone had the bright idea of checking the suspended ceiling. When they did they discovered someone, presumably a kid with a grudge, had lifted a tile and inserted a dead fish. This strikes me as an excellent way of having a bit of fun - the fish can be inserted and the miscreant can be well away before the problem becomes apparent. If you decide to try it, why not leave a comment telling your story?

Let's hear it for the rotts

A "delightful" five-month old baby (who was, no doubt, also an effing genius about to get seventy five A-stars in her GCSEs) gets torn to pieces by a couple of "vicious" rottweilers, presumably because her parents weren't looking after her properly, and all of a sudden a pile of flowers and teddy bears appears outside the pub where it happened. But what about the poor rottweilers? They've been bred to protect, attack, kill, and eat babies, and when they do just that they are savagely put to death, even though they were house trained, always ate up all their dinner, walked to heel, fetched balls and begged when they were told to, never chased sheep, and were about to win hundreds of prizes at Crufts. And has anyone left any flowers for them? Of course they haven't. Have the local pooches been round to weep and wail, or howl, or pee at the scene, or leave a few tins of Chum, or the odd bone or two, or even a smelly ragged slipper? Of course they haven't. They probably haven't even been told what has happened. I'm tempted to pop along myself with a bag of Winalot.
According to the BBC web site, one of the locals has said the dogs were "known to be vicious" and that "whenever you walk past [them] you get the feeling they could jump down and attack you". Bet it never stopped the buggers popping in for a drink.

Chauffeur me to heaven

Although the religious programme 'Sunday' on radio 4 can make me scream at people's stupidity, it does occasionally throw up some interesting snippets. An example this morning is that the bishop of London claims £24000 expenses a year for a chauffeur and £15000 for fuel. Does he ever travel on the Underground, I wonder? This same chappie wrote, somewhere, something along the lines that people should stop flying away on holiday and give the energy to some chap in Africa that needs it more.
Anyone know how much in travel expenses Jesus used to claim?

Help the Aged

The Today programme this morning reported the staggering news that more and more old gits are having to sell their house to pay for residential care, which costs an average of £21000 a year. I wonder how many can afford this without selling up. I also wonder what makes folk pay £21000 a year for physical and verbal abuse they can get at home for free.

For the love of god, smite the infidels (and, indeed, anyone else you care to have a go at)

It doesn't take a lot to start a holy war nowadays. Perhaps it never has. The dear old Hitlerjugend Pope ("My mates call me 'Eggs'.") Benedict is the latest chap to put his foot in the ordure that is islam by having the nerve to quote part of a conversation which occurred something over 600 years ago: "Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached."
As a consequence of an entirely predictable bout of typical islamic unpleasantness the pope has since been blessed with dazzling enlightenment and, equally predictably, announced that the words "do not in any way express my personal thought". So much for papal infallibility. Perhaps he can also tell us how he feels about the words' being uttered by a follower of a religion that had, for hundreds of years, been doing a fair bit of smiting of its own, and with the blessing of a whole string of popes.
And, hey, "... there you will find things only evil and inhuman ... " is a bit rich. If Eggs did, before his divine awakening, believe this to be true of islam, and I must say I've a fair bit of sympathy with the view, I wonder how he feels about the burning of witches and the Spanish Inquisition. Was that merely a bit of friendly persuasion? It seems to me that the followers of the many lunatic cults spawned by the god of Abraham, in his various guises, have always been pretty damn keen to indulge in a bit of persecution and bloodletting whenever and wherever they can. I blame all the violence on tele, personally.
And is it not unbelievable how folk can insist their religion is not even the teensiest weensiest bit violent, and then proceed to demonstrate this by burning an effigy of the pope, attacking churches, calling for days of anger, telling worshippers to hunt down and kill whoever offends the prophet mohammed, and, possibly, bravely shooting a nun in the back? I wonder what the international response of islam would have been if after 9/11 or the London bombings hundreds of thousands of christians had taken to the streets, burnt effigies of Sahibzada Mirza Masroor Ahmad Sahib Abdul the Bulbul, Khalifatul Masih V, or whatever, and destroyed a few mosques. Whatever the response, as sure as Eggs is Eggs (geddit!) it would not have been unreserved apology. But they need not worry - the behaviour of christians is, usually, no longer quite that primitive. Neither are they as mentally unbalanced or as pitifully childish.

Everyone's innocent nowadays

Amazing, is it not? Whenever a kid gets squashed by a bus or a police car, tops himself after being bullied at school or buggered by a perv vicar, is eviscerated by a sword-wielding thurman, or is blown up by a religious nutter, it is always the nicest, kindest, most intelligent, most sweet-smelling, most clean-living, most innocent kid in the world who went to church three times on Sunday, always made his bed, fed the birds, stroked the neighbouring strays, found plenty of time to visit his granny and do her washing up, never dropped litter or trod on the cracks in the pavement, and was about to get seventy five A-stars in his GCSEs?
We've been told a load of crap of this sort about the fifteen-year-old Mancunian lad who was shot three times solely because he "happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time". According to the police there is no evidence that Jessie James (if you're going to shoot someone, go for the big names, I say) was a member of the Hole-in-the-Wall gang, or indeed any gang at all, or had anything to do with drugs. From what you hear he was the sort of lad who felt guilty if he bit the head off a jelly baby.
So would someone like to tell me what a fifteen-year-old lad was doing at two in the morning in a Moss Side park which, apparently, anyone with any sense avoided during the hours of darkness? I'll bet my arse he wasn't picking f#cking buttercups.