The French have a word for it

Anyone know the German and French for 'blowjob'? If not, I'll tell you - the German is Blowjob (now why am I not surprised by that?) and the French is Sucette (highly appropriate, don't you think?). If you don't believe me go to Google, type "March 20th", and then hit 'I'm feeling lucky'. What Google says must be true. Many thanks to John Fisher on Ringing Chat.
While on the subject, anyone know the etymology of 'blowjob'? The best I've heard is that it refers to the explosive rush of air that greets a job well done.

So, who's the victim?

Don't you get fed up with hearing tearful parents on the news telling us how every murder or road accident victim was " ... kind to animals, the best son/daughter in the whole world, always cheerful, always did the washing up ... ", usually reading from a sheet of paper? I am, nevertheless, completely behind this new idea that the relatives of murder and manslaughter victims being given the right to be represented in court. Just think - if a drug-crazed burglar were to kill your mother-in-law while stealing a couple of quid from her tea caddy you could pop along to the court to thank them profusely and tell them you'd been wanting someone to do it for years, and how she was " ... the worst mother-in-law in the whole world, a miserable trouble-maker who habitually tortured hamsters ... ". Maybe they'd get off with a caution and a free packet of heroin.

Ph.D anyone?

Down south we have a magazine called "The Big Issue". If you buy this up north it is called "The Big Issue in the North". Both, as far as I can tell, contain the same sort of stuff (although I've not bought a copy of each and compared them closely) and the latter does not seem to contain phrases such as "E by gum" as an aid to northern comprehension. Presumably some of the reviews (clubs, etc.) have a northern bias. Doesn't really explain the need for a different title, however - it's not as if the north has a different big issue. Perhaps the issue should be studied in depth by a sociology graduate.
Anyway, this got me thinking. When I have a few minutes spare I shall start a magazine called "The Biggest Drawback". It will probably be about mobile 'phones. Shortly afterwards I shall start an African edition which will, of course, be called "The Biggest Drawback in Africa". But it probably won't be about mobile 'phones.

Power to the people

Yet again (yawn) our wonderful rulers are proposing devolving power from central government not just to local government but to local communities and volunteer groups (no doubt so they can get things done on the cheap yet claim the credit). But I'm all for this if it means that when the local gypos cr#p in your front garden or dump their sofa on your school playing field, or when a bunch of their teenage thugs nick sweets worth less than £75 from your local post office, scaring the sh#t out of your daughter in the process, and the police don't give a toss, you can gather a bunch of local community volunteers and beat the same sh#t out of them. Can't, somehow, see it happening, however.
It was recently reported that one of the country's more radical muslims has suggested sharia-lawkeeping should be permitted in their local communities. I wonder how the authorities would react if a band of their community volunteers were to take the local gypos in hand by severing a few.
Anyone got a pile of false beards and ethnic hats?

An example to the world

I see from the Sunday papers the builders have admitted Wembley is never going to be ready. Anyone believe there's a chance of the 2012 Olympics being anything other than a complete shambles played out on school playgrounds and duck ponds somewhere in the south of England? To be fair, everyone said the Greeks would not be ready, yet they didn't do too badly. The Greeks do, however, have experience going back centuries, millennia even, and are known for their heroic victories against adversity. Talking of Greek heroes, does anyone know how Ajax got his name? Was it because he was very good at cleaning bathrooms?

I've just edited a paper in which the authors have, throughout, used "Maltase cross" instead of "Maltese cross" - quite a bad error in a chemistry paper. I would not have mentioned this except that it gives me a chance to tell a favourite joke, or two:
Q: How do you make a Maltese cross? A: Give him a good slapping.
Q: How do you make a Venetian blind? A: Poke his eyes out.
Q: How do you make a cat flap? A: Throw it out of an aircraft at 30000 feet.

God is on our side (1)

I hate waking up on Sunday. Not only is there often the prospect of crap bellringing, but that awful programme 'Sunday' is on Radio 4. Before we switched off we were treated to tales of discrimination against christians in Turkey (do these people wish to join the EC so they can persecute a few more?), left-wing and right-wing christians claiming the moral high ground in the USA, and the torching of baptist churches, also in the USA. Nice to see religious tolerance is alive and kicking - like someone at the end of a rope.
And so to Cherry Hinton to ring for Sunday Service, and trying to call changes while the vicar and his cronies were testing the PA system. Would they do so if the choir were singing? Would they f##k. Why can't they use the same settings as last week?
At least our learners seem to be making steady progress.

How We Behave

The Rolling Stones are giving a free concert in Rio de Janeiro tonight. Between one and a half and two million fans are expected. When a similar number of muslims gather together to throw stones at a wall the unbridled excitement invariably leads to a stampede and a few hundred corpses. One somehow doubts tonight's excitement will have similar consequences.
While on the subject of Islam, it seems that later this year a book will be published explaining how the bible prophesies the fall of islam within a generation (http://www.fallofislam.com/?gclid=CJyctrjcoYMCFTdsEAoduySzTA). It will be interesting to see how many publishers are beheaded and embassies torched when this little gem appears.

Local News, 17.2.2006

Exciting times in East Anglia - a dead swan has been found near Abington and there are problems with gravestones in Haverhill.
The swan was a mute swan, so isn't saying anything for a couple of reasons. Local chicken farmers aren't worried because, they've been told, mute swans don't migrate. Bet their mates do though.
The local council in Haverhill has acquired a device to test whether gravestones can withstand application of seven stones pressure. If they can't they are gently laid to rest, much annoying the locals. Cue action shots of tearful old dears gazing in grief at horizontal two-foot gravestones. The action is, apparently, to prevent children knocking over the gravestones and being killed in the process.
How old must a child be to be able to apply a pressure of seven stones? Is such a kid likely to be killed by a two foot gravestone (the size of all of those shown on the tele)? And wouldn't the stone fall the other way? Perhaps the kids have discovered a new game now they're being prevented from playing 'chicken' on railway lines? Kids stands on each side of the stone and push. The loser gets flattened.
Personally I think this should be encouraged, especially in Haverhill. The winner of a knock-out tournament could be thrown in front of a moving train. And when all the old dears in Haverhill have died off the whole town could be flattened.

And, while on the subject of Winter Olympics, in which other country would everyone celebrate hysterically when their only skier came in eleventh?

When asked, on The Today Programme this morning, how she felt about her prospects for a gold medal in four years time Shelley Rudman expressed the view she was "going in the right direction". That has to be a good start.

The first post should, of course, have been to thank Percy. But second is almost as good as first, unless you're playing chess, so thank you Percy.

There may, in time, I suppose, be some serious stuff here, but not a lot. So it seems appropriate to start with my favourite joke:

Q: Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
A: Because the paracetamol.

Magic.

Test

Just a test to make sure it is working - I shall say no more!