Local News, 17.2.2006

Exciting times in East Anglia - a dead swan has been found near Abington and there are problems with gravestones in Haverhill.
The swan was a mute swan, so isn't saying anything for a couple of reasons. Local chicken farmers aren't worried because, they've been told, mute swans don't migrate. Bet their mates do though.
The local council in Haverhill has acquired a device to test whether gravestones can withstand application of seven stones pressure. If they can't they are gently laid to rest, much annoying the locals. Cue action shots of tearful old dears gazing in grief at horizontal two-foot gravestones. The action is, apparently, to prevent children knocking over the gravestones and being killed in the process.
How old must a child be to be able to apply a pressure of seven stones? Is such a kid likely to be killed by a two foot gravestone (the size of all of those shown on the tele)? And wouldn't the stone fall the other way? Perhaps the kids have discovered a new game now they're being prevented from playing 'chicken' on railway lines? Kids stands on each side of the stone and push. The loser gets flattened.
Personally I think this should be encouraged, especially in Haverhill. The winner of a knock-out tournament could be thrown in front of a moving train. And when all the old dears in Haverhill have died off the whole town could be flattened.